Alvin Akuamoah’s Dont Wife Em Two point O’s:

#1.Monchi-Cards-Nyanza-D.-01 The Crazy Bipolar Bitch

When Dornell came back with the kelewele I was in the bathroom, I heard him pull the desk back, there was the clutter of plates and the shifting and squirming of feet and chair-silence-and then as predictable as ever, the family guy tune came on; “…But where are those good old…”

I turned on the shower and stepped underneath it, lather coursed down my chest towards my groin. I had to resist the urge to touch myself. Not tonight, no tonight someone else would fucking do that shit for me.

He was staring at his laptop, laughing and about throwing a fistful of groundnuts into his mouth when I entered, “Paa..” he sniffed the air , his tiny head arching like a mouse. There was this excited look on his face as he turned towards me, I knew he was going to say something stupid even before he did,

“Paa, who’s daughter is it this time?” I ignored the fucking idiot.

It wasn’t just anybody’s daughter though, well hell I didn’t know her parents but anyone capable of bringing something like that into the world could not be ordinary I tell you that. I Picked out my pajama bottoms and a baggy shirt; the oh yeah this is what I wear to sleep not just boxers like all those nasty sweaty filthy Legon boys move always worked chaley and tonight would be no different. The best part was she had suggested it man, not me!

Okay so we were texting right? I’d gotten her number from a friend and we had been texting for like what, some three days now? Anyways, so yeahh, I was like it’s a Friday Lord Im so boreddd nothing to dooo, she was like oh have you seen The Girl with the something something tattoo? I was like naahhh, she was like oh I heard its awesome, come to my place erh? Im about to see it, I was like sure, you know, I played it cool and shit.

“Ohhhh so it’s a sleep over movement. Netflix and Chiiiiilll” He had this stupid grin on his face when I turned, I just went right back to ignoring him. Don’t ask, I have no idea how I got roomed with this idiot creep.

The cold wind hit me when I stepped out, the leaves on the tree right in front of my hall fluttered. Oh good God there was a rain coming, I smiled to myself. Two teenagers in one room + lets put the lights out like in the cinemas+ Rain + Oh im stuck here till the rain stops+ … I doubled my steps and dug my earphones in, The Weeknd came on, Loft music.

I and well everyone else outside had broken into a run by the time I got to volta hall, the wind had gotten worse and a slightly heavy drizzle had began.

I knocked twice, she opened, she did not smile, just this plain disinterested look. A hazard light came on in my head. “Sit” She gestured towards the bed “I’m coming, let me bath real quick”

“Sure”, I muttered, I was like, well I was confused. She took some things out her wardrobe, and left me sitting there.

From outside a flash of lightning illuminated the room followed closely by thunder, the rain fell hard against the roof.

 I sat up, then fell back on the bed, bored. From behind the bathroom door I heard the shower come on, my member stiffened.

“Hey, I can go through your laptop while you bath right?” “Yeah sure..” She shouted from inside the bathroom, “Just no nosing around okay?”. I laughed, from behind the door I waited for her to too, she didn’t.

Did I notice a panty get dragged along when I pulled the laptop towards myself, maybe. Was I tempted to touch this said panty, to feel around the edges you know? to maybe draw it close to my face and take a good long sniff?? well….maybe, okay maybe I wanted to, but the thing is I didn’t, I fucking didn’t.

She came in dressed up, pajama bottoms too and a baggy I love New York tee shirt. Then shit happened, now this might be funny to you now cause yeah for some reason the world enjoys laughing at peoples failures but it was a fucking disaster for my fucking self, she showed me where to find the movie, asked me to start it, then fucking SAT BEHIND A DESK! She pulled out her phone and well, started texting.

“ Uhm Nana?”
She looked up from the phone
“I thought we were seeing it together???”
“Oh yeahh yeahhh you start it I’m coming” she turned her head back down towards the phone.

My face, I really don’t have the words to describe my face at that particular moment, so pardon that I skip that bit of the narration. Just know, I felt many different feelings that day, foolishness, anger, pain (I had a throbbing aching penis gaddamit!),frustration, determination?. Twenty minutes into NETFLIX and blue balls and I decided to man up, “Nana is something wrong? Cause you cant like tell me to come and then totally ignore me”

She brushed her hair back with a finger and sighed , her head automatically tilting to one side, “ I asked if you wanted to see the movie and you said yes, youre seeing the movie, no? why are you getting mad right now? Why are you shouting at me? What? cause I don’t feel like seeing it anymore? Im sorry Paa but I don’t get why youre getting angry, youre always getting mad at the smallest things, have you said anything to me so far? How am I not minding you?”

Frankly, the tirade caught me off guard, my mouth was like open and I didn’t even know it.

“Are you in a bad mood?”
“Paa, youre just making things awkward now” she didn’t bother lifting her head this time, her fingers continued tapping at her phone.

The movie went on. I know what youre thinking, why didn’t I leave, well in my defense I was confused okay that was the primary reason, that I was still hard and couldn’t get up and leave like a boss had nothing to do with it. I sat through another fourty minutes confused as to what to do next, what to say, wasn’t she the one who asked me to come? Why was she…“Is the movie done??”, she interrupted my blank gaze at the laptop.
“okay” she still didn’t look up. Needless to say I felt like a fool, sitting there in a room where I was obviously not wanted, with an everlasting hard on, watching a two hour movie I could not make head or tail of while the girl who asked me to come, the girl I was supposed to be balls deep in by now sat miles away from me, probably texting with some other guy. At that exact moment she giggled at her phone and shook her head.

Then all of a sudden as if realizing something she jerked her head up, her gaze fell to her laptop, then the panty… “Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”
I swear the girl was literally screaming. She sat there seemingly frozen to her seat, her left palm raised to her chest her right clinging on to her phone with this terrified look on her face just, screaming. I got up and she went ballistic, kicking and screaming and throwing her hands into the air she launched at me. I’d had enough, Id fucking had enough, I run out the room and into the rain.
It thundered and I was forced to stop at the check in desk, needless to say I was dripping wet and shivering, I leaned against the wall and breathed heavy .It was then and only then that I realised she had followed me, she was running from where I’d come from, running towards me, I took off!

When I slammed through our door and quickly locked it behind me, falling to the floor in a violent coughing fit, Dornell was in bed , blanket draped over his legs, reading. He grinned that stupid grin and squint his eyes behind his reading glasses, “It was Nana Ama you went to see no?” he shook his head laughing, “Kwesi told me he set you up”
I got off the floor and struggled with my feet towards the bathroom, I didn’t say a word back, just closed the door gently behind me. From inside I heard him scream, “You know- if you weren’t so full of yourself, ignoring me all the time the way you do, I could have told you that girls a crazy bipolar bitch”

Crazy bipolar bitch… I stopped my towel half way across my nose and stared at myself in the mirror.



“You know youre a fucking creep right?”


I put the lights off and went to bed.

7 thoughts on “Alvin Akuamoah’s Dont Wife Em Two point O’s:

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