Sometimes it amazes me how much I know myself, how much I know life in itself. I know typing that last sentence I felt a bit cocky, I know anyone reading this who knows me thinks it’s me being my usual subtly conceited self (depends really on who the person is). The fact is, sometimes I feel like I know so much, the world just doesn’t interest me anymore. Then I reevaluate my reality and all of a sudden I appreciate how little my existence means to life in itself, I am so small, I am a tiny clot bounded by limitless space and then I feel, it’s a load of crap, I feel, anyone who thinks they know “people…life???” they’re full of shit.
I scroll through my phone and go about my merry way criticizing what I think should be criticized. Fences. Sometimes I feel like a fence. No, not the so often used term “sitting on a fence”, I feel like the fence itself, the object in the way of my minds decisions, not the object I propel myself on top of, I’m on top of nothing.
Then again, maybe that’s just me being my usual deep self, yet another thing I know about me, I really do consider myself some 21st century philosophic sometimes, and another thing about world, or about people (technically people are the world, forthwith, every time I say “world” know that I mean people. I am no scientist, I am no God, I know people…..or at least I think I do, refer to paragraph one on being full of excrement) the world hates it. A thinker’s only friend is another thinker, he/she is the only one he/she can speak with on that 100% and not feel judged by.
As I was saying, I feel a fence. Every time an issue is put up for debate in society or within my minds own confines. I feel…trapped. There is never a definite yes or no that I can place my hands across my chest and pledge to. NEVER, always a fence; where it’s up to me to decide which I think is more convincing or which I can argue for more.
No, we are not all the same, do not think my fencing is not so relevant because, “well every time an issue comes up we all have to quickly reason out which answer makes more sense”. I do not mean the deduction process as I do mean the concluding process. You are faced with an issue, you are “on the fence”, you reason, you decide, you move to a particular side of it, you do not stay on the fence, you do not become the fence, staying on and appreciating both sides so well that your butt-cheeks metamorphosis to wood. You do not become a liar to your friends who will constantly chastise you with “but just yesterday you said….” and, “so what is your point?” after you have exploded into a lengthy tirade, evidencing how knowledgeable you are on both sides of the issue but how ultimately you are lost in an endless field of weed and grain, running back and forth in your minds’ eye, incapable of reaching a decision on anything. They roll their eyes, unable to find meaning in your lack of a concrete conclusion and in the end, you just sound smart…or you are trying to sound smart, but to the world, you are completely clueless. They roll their eyes and they move on, debating whether it’s an A or B, no AeB “inbetweener”.
Like a fence. Yet in my purview, in my not so circumspect appreciation of the infinity that is life, as tortured and completely drained, depressed, as I sometimes feel, lost as I get sometimes, I have faith in mine as the correct path in the climactic end. Like the fence, my mind boarders between being absolutely depressed at how heartbreaking it all is, to feel that world thinks you are inadequate, that you are no problem solver and the thought of the world being too complex in the first place to have a definitive answer to anything. Perhaps really there is no right answer and wrong answer, maybe that’s why worlds debates are so lengthy, maybe that’s why there is so much conflict and hate and a general lack of empathy, because world fails to appreciate the fence. The fence that understands what both sides feel and has found a calmness in knowing that people/world are different, a calmness in the peace of accepting these differences for what they are.
Then again, maybe that’s just me being my usual deep self, yet another thing I know about me, I really do consider myself some 21st century philosophic sometimes, and another thing about world, or about people, they hate it. A thinker’s only friend is another thinker, he/she is the only one he/she can speak with on that 100% and not feel judged/scorned by.
As much as I exist as a fence; which honestly I think is the fault of going through life’s experiences as opposed to having a choice on the matter (deciding to be a fence), there is still the making of decisions on the pedestal of sound reasoning. Even where the choices may be appreciated by fencing, there is the moral way of doing things that should tilt anyone’s effort to one over the other. Morality is in the heart and not in some bible or religion, we all have it, not a small group or large that practices a particular faith. It is for this reason that you know that hate crimes against homosexuals are immoral as much as you may feel that homosexuality is not right (I avoid using the word immoral because the truth in that is, does this thought that it is immoral stem from the heart or from some religious document/ bias propagated through time?) And then you consider some prehistoric civilizations that believed in murder, rape, torture…. This ultimately begs the question of whether morality is indeed from the heart, does it not…? Fences.