Writers Note: I cant believe I wrote this, this is so raw, and sinful and yet somewhat relatable…which is interesting, because I wrote this.
Based on a real-life conversation with a friend. I cant fault you on your madness, there’s something wrong with all of us.
I’ve got eyes for only you I swear, I don’t know why I cheat, why I lie, but I do know your’e the only one I really want. It’s all a little too complicated, you do everything, you even give blow-jobs, which you know, a lot of the girls I fool around with don’t do but, honestly I don’t understand why it happens, especially with her.
She’s so shallow, not deep, I cant keep a real conversation with her…it’s always about her butt or about sex or about makeup. When she leaves, I fall back on my bed and I call you and we talk…about things I actually care about, about life, about family, about dreams. And I should feel bad in those moments, knowing not minutes ago I was inside another girl and…she was calling me daddy and throwing it back and…she did that twerk things with her butt, but I don’t. I am just happy in that moment, talking to you.
I’ve not been interested in you sexually as much as mentally for a while now .When I kiss you and it gets intense it’s only because I’m horny in that moment, from that moment.I don’t bite my lip when I see you, I don’t think of the things I want to do to you. I just want to talk. Selfish…the moment I realise you want to get intimate I become annoyed, I start getting mad, and I push for a fight, but then you don’t give it to me and we end up naked, arm in arm, talking…and then it’s forgotten.
Sheila said in my mind I’ve created a division, that I’m the ultimate kind of selfish, seeker of the best of both worlds. She says that I have placed you in my intellectual space and her in my sex space, so then anything involving intimacy with you becomes annoying and her…well I don’t even try to talk to her.
It’s all a little too complicated, because I don’t want to lose you, I really don’t care what happens to her, that’s harsh but she’s also got a “you”, you see? So I know there’s nothing like a me and her in her heart, it’s just sex. That’s not the complication though, it’s that I don’t want to lose you, that I know if you find out you’ll be hurt in unimaginable ways, that you will cry and you will say “all men are dogs” and it will stay with you, because I know just how much I have made you depend on me, you will hurt and it will be my fault. The complication is that I think I just might be in love with you, but I keep doing these things with her, hiding, looking behind me when we’re together, and I’m not supposed to do these things if I really am in love with you, at least that’s what they say.
So then what is this that I feel, that I care for you so much I would rather not live than be without you, but that I know that it will hurt you but I still do it,but I still love you, but it’s just sex, but I don’t want intimacy,but I don’t care for her, but shes pregnant.