Even as the sun sinks beneath two mountain peaks
As certain to rise again as I am to be alive the day after tomorrow,
I contemplate the could have beens that never was.
So many of them, scattered in a history of high adrenaline conversations
finally caving in to exhaustive hellos and how are you’s
Rabbit sex experiences, fast paced and then collapsed
into a heap of itself, leaving it a remnant of history; a could have been that never was
Alvin Akuamoah – On Nehemiah’s Call to Build from Bricks of His Experiences.
When he got off the phone after three hours of continuous shouting, perspiration dripping off his forehead like raindrops off of a ceiling after dark clouds had grown tired of bickering and brawling, he felt oddly empty. It was all so ironic he thought, watching the beads of sweat drop unto the tiled floor of his room, in some ways he had been through his own storm, and this right now, him sitting at the edge of his bed, his phone still in his hands was his calm. He had fought and he had won…but still, he didn’t really feel like much of a winner.
It was tragic really, a modern Shakespearean tragedy, just yesterday he had been so happy. So excited at the prospect of a new type of friendship, the one that never got complicated by confused feelings or life taking different tangents or misplaced jealousy, none of that. He had decided to go all in on “that friendship thing” with someone he had barely known past a week, and yet somehow he was actually genuinely surprised things had turned out the way they had…an argument over a statement he had made being too “someway”. What the fuck. In hind sight, maybe he should have seen it coming. In Senior High, the only time in his life he had actually had friends like himself, nerdish and white, and yet very black, and weird, and sexual, and frustrated, they had developed their own social theory; the hardest thing to find and yet the most must find thing in the world was a girl who understood their jokes.
No, this wasn’t some pompous thing some conceited nerds had come up with to prove they were better than everybody else, it was something that they had found to sadly be their reality, not everyone was going to get a Star Wars reference, or sarcasm, or word play, the truth was, most people were going to straight out get offended. He had realized this with her, the occasional “ei are you insulting me?” and “I don’t like the way you talk to me”, but God she had been so nice, and awfully friendly, and he was not used to awfully friendly for friendly sake and nothing else. If only he had bothered to properly learn how to speak normal, but no, and here he was, trying for three hours to get his voice over hers so he could apologise for God knows what, honestly, he had no idea what he was even apologizing for. He only knew she was angry, and she was threatening not to ever talk to him again, and he didn’t want to stop talking to her… but that was then, now, he didn’t know if “he” wanted to talk to her ever again.
He felt stupid, and well, he had never thought of himself as egotistic or nothing but he felt really, really low. If there was one thing he knew about himself it was that he hated feeling tolerated, the moment he felt like a burden to someone he looked for an exit, it did not matter who you were or what you meant to him, the worst thing you could do was to make him feel tolerated. He would run. Now this was weird, especially considering he wasn’t really a “people-person” to begin with, he literally tolerated all his “friends”. He would rather stay in his room and get depressed than bother with company. Even with his girlfriend it had taken months to adjust, and she still complained. His girlfriend… he moaned, somehow the thought of her made him feel an even extra low. He had just spent 3 hours, bothered and flustered because this girl he had known for less than a week was threatening to disappear forever, and yet he had a girlfriend, who was in all truth his only real friend, his best friend actually. She understood his jokes, she understood him, and they were in love, literally, in love. Yet somehow he had found himself begging. I think the worst part was that exactly, that as he sat there on the edge of the bed he realized he had just begged to be the friend of someone, and that person had decided to “forgive him” and “give him another chance” What the fuck. He didn’t even want friends last time he checked. Everything strangely came to place in some warped perspective, he realized just how lackluster his relationship with her had been in reality, yes she had bought him a book and given him her extra key in case she lost the original, but was that really enough even? It dawned on him the possibility that maybe he had been so eager to finally have a proper friend, no string attached, that he had jumped unto her wagon the moment it drew by.
Someone once said the only people you should break down your boundaries for are the people who try to climb up on top of it, not those who somehow show you the world is much prettier on their side. In the end, it had come down to a question of whether she was worth it in his mind. Selfish, right? I know, but he had had an epiphany, she had complained somewhere in between the shouting that he made it look like she wanted to be friends with him, that their friendship had been reciprocal, his epiphany was that it hadn’t been reciprocal, not really. She had basically been on probation, and the moment he had decided to open up, she had gone ahead and fucked it up.
He had some serious issues, he had some serious boundaries, and no matter how attractive the other side looked, he was safer when the other person earned his friendship. In the end, that was all that mattered. Selfish, right? Yes.
Art Credit: Bobby Trauma