It’s okay to be a woman, and want sex (coming right after an argument with my parents over gay rights)
Oh my, the controversy I caused with this post on instagram. I have come to accept that for some reason I am constantly minded to speak out about things I am supposed to keep in my head, under a giant lock and key.
What a lot of people don’t know is how much thought went into coming up with the heading. I knew the backlash that would come, I knew they would mostly be from religious heads, and so I chose it carefully. Notice that it does not say it is okay to have multiple sex partners, it does not say it is okay to sell yourself, nor does it say it is okay to rape or covet or lust. What it says is that being horny, thinking dirty thoughts sometimes and staring at a man’s crotch the same way a guy’s eyes will veer towards a woman’s cleavage is perfectly normal.
In a world where for some reason men are considered the aggressors in sex, it is almost unheard of for a woman to display any showing of sexual desire, the same persons who looks at Muslim women with covered hair and think of them as subjugated adorn females with a psychological version of these same veils, only being allowed to take them off during the throughs of sexual activity, and even then the woman dare not act too knowledgeable on which position works better, or moan to loud, or demand too much, otherwise the woman is a hoe, the woman is a slut. The basis of this? the man suddenly feels threatened, he becomes unsure of his performance and because of a psychological make up which has taken years to grow into a full-blown authoritarian ideology that the man should be strong in all senses of the word, looks to think of the woman as loose. Is this fair even?
The worst part is, most women don’t have to get this far even, the moment the man realizes the woman’s hymen has already been broken, many of them will deny it, but the thought that rushes through is, “oh so she’s been doing it with other people. She’s a bad girl”
What is the reason for this though? How come in 2016, in the 21st century world that we live in, women are admired for being anything but sexual? How come the burden of being virgins is seemingly carried more by women, even in churches. I am yet to listen to a sermon on chastity where more attention was placed on boys calling girls up in the evening to talk dirty and less on the type of clothes women wear and the way women walk and the way women should behave. Why? Why is the woman the one supposed to behave properly so as not to tempt the men? Not only is this some salient appropriation of rape culture, blame the woman for what she wore, what was she doing outside at the time? And not the man, it is clear evidence of a society of hypocrites. A society still very much “a man’s world”, where false standards are placed on women and men are encouraged to be adventurous and risk takers right from an early age until they turn into full blown entitled douche bags who want to marry virgins when they are not virgins. Some success has been done to raising awareness on the rights of women, but clearly there is still a lot more work to be done.
I have personally never understood the importance of virginity, even as I try to respect the wishes of whichever partner I have been with. How relevant really is it to married life or to a person’s personal character. I know for a fact if I was truly and honestly in love with my wife, her position as a virgin or otherwise would not matter to me, as strongly as I believe that my status would not matter to her as well. Because in the end if she has an amazing personality, and there is satisfaction in the bedroom, what do I care about her not having been a virgin when we first met? It is purely insecurity that runs this thought process that speaks to shame women for not being virgins. Insecurity on the part of men who immediately start wondering just how many other men the woman has been with and whether they can match up.
I see books that talk about spiritual marriages and how sex with the wrong person can change your destiny and what I think of is choosing your sexual partner carefully, sticking to the said partner and using protection. Yes, my thoughts are basically the HIV adverts they make on TV. Nothing more, because I see it not as a basis to be a virgin, I mean I could have the very same thing, my destiny being changed, happen to me the very day I get married. Our society for some reason assumes that so long as you are not a virgin, you are promiscuous. Girls will give and receive oral sex from multiple persons and still be considered more morally upright by society “because she is a virgin”. Her husband (in the scenario of being the typical insecure man) will be all smiles, happy that he has a virgin, but….is she really even?
In my mind virginity is so miniscule an issue, it is so tiny, so irrelevant. After the first night when the hymen breaks, what next? Does it help you trust your partner more? (don’t forget that there is no way of telling if a man is a virgin or the anal sex a woman has had) and why do you even need your wife to be a virgin before you can trust her? What type of relationship too is that? I swear the worst thing I have ever heard is “Your husband will value you more if you are a virgin” How insulting, how sad, that the only way your husband can place value in you as his wife, is that you be a virgin. What type of man is this? And why do you have to be chaste for him and not him similarly for you?
Whatever reason is controlling your abstinence is fine. I particularly respect the response I got when I asked a very close female friend of mine why she is a virgin still. She said because she is a Christian and that is what she strongly believes her religion demands of her. That’s perfectly fine, admirable even. To these people who have placed such importance on virginity, good for them, may they achieve their goal of waiting till marriage and may they experience happiness at doing so while finding favor with the God they believe in. The thing however is, should I treat her as better than another very close female friend of mine now, who masturbates every morning, speaks freely about sex and jists me on her hoe stories? NO! My first friend has her beliefs and she’s stuck to them, the other has not and prefers to be sexually active. Now imagine these two friends were guys, would I be scandalized with the one who likes sex?, especially when a large part of a lot of locker room conversations comprise narrations of sexual conquests? No. Then why should I be when it’s a girl doing it?
I was confronted by a lot of religious people. Some claimed I was propagating that it was okay to be promiscuous, I have not said this please. I am not encouraging people to not keep themselves, I am encouraging people to freely decide whether they want to or not and not feel ashamed or be shamed by anybody for it. In the end the hymen is inside the feminine body, that is as personal as it gets. In the same vein, it is your decision whether you want sex, or not.
I maintain that even in churches, boys will throw the middle finger, speak the most vulgar things and pass perverted jokes about sex and yet look down their noses at girls who do the exact same thing. This must change. That is my opinion, and I stick by it.*