So how do I put this? I had a dream we were together, I had a dream you were in bed with me, I had a dream we kissed. It felt new, and sensual and…. ,my heart wrapped itself around yours. It was slow, tinged on an uncertainty, as if, we both knew but didn’t know. I held your face and you sunk your cheeks into my palms. You were in the dress I saw you in last night, red fabric clinging unto the curves of your petite.
I saw you with the corners of my eye and still, that was enough. Enough for you to do this to me, to leave me here, awoken, wondering why it all felt so real. Why I could still smell you in my sheets, as if you had been here, then left, under the guise of heavy rain drops and the darkness that is dawn, to be somewhere else. To be what you have been to me since the first day I saw you, a mystery.
Why don’t you ever smile? In my imagining even, you did not. You looked into my eyes and you whispered questions I did not want to have answers to. I looked into yours and I lied.
You fell asleep as an angel would, if angels ever did, in the bliss of my mistruths. I lay awake, wondering how I could quit my life as is, to be in the one your lips held in promise.
I tore pages off 10 sheet love letters, continuously checking to be sure you were asleep. Removed extra tooth brushes, burnt clothes that smelt feminine, I entered the shower and scrubbed, with every heave, picturing a white slate, waiting to be scribbled on by you.
I do not want this
I want to hate you
Your pout, unfriendly asides
Your pretending I do not exist
I do not want you to become important
Not like this.
But there is so much a man can change, and I can’t that it felt good; To want to be with you.