The Cacophony of Breaking Mirrors; An Open Letter.

Rachel Moore - Breaking

For my “friend, lover, complication, then friend”, who called me in Senior High, on an illegal phone. I write this, so I am never tempted to forget – Who you are and What you did. 

This post contains sensitive material.

I checked my Instagram and he had sent me a message, something about warning me since, and how shit had gotten real now or something funny like that. That wasn’t the interesting thing about the message really, he had used the Instagram stories feature, so the message? it was a video, of a room with some wine bottles, a porch, of a car. It all didn’t make sense really, why he had opted to make a video instead of simply … messaging, but then the second part of the “story” came on and I realized what he was doing. In bold, he had typed out over a background video of a white 4-wheel, (I’m sorry, I’ve never really cared for car brands), anyway, where was I? Yes, over that background he had typed out “You can’t match up. Stay away from my girlfriend”. I was – as the slang goes, damn near shook. That someone, possibly my age, would send me a video of his…. neatly arranged stuff, and tell me I can’t match up. Match up to and for what exactly? Because this seems like a recurrent theme. What did you tell him? Why is he so adamant I have a romantic interest in you, when literally the reason why you moved on to him was because you figured out, by yourself, that I had no romantic interest in you? I digress.

The Digression

I am stuck in the middle of a love triangle I never asked to be a part of. I told you to stay away from me the first time, you came back with a sob story, some shit about needing someone to talk to. The second time, I finally, finally put your matter to rest in my head and decided to not care anymore what you do to yourself, you texted me on some I’m suffering but I’m stuck shit. The third time, I stopped talking to you, forgot all about you all together, you texted me professing “tears in me eyes”, apologizing, lying that somehow you had resolved your trust issues with whatever his name is. Now this is what blows my mind, the fourth time…number 4 my friend, you called me with your mothers phone…. because I had literally blocked you, and him, everywhere. What do you want from me friend? Is it so hard to figure out, I am trying to not be a part of this anymore? Why do I keep being told to stay away, when the only reason I am here, is because you my friend, keep prying on my “good human-beingness” (if I am such a thing). I acknowledge I am trash, I did begin all this….come to think of it, because of your indecisiveness, but let’s not digress within the digression

We continue:

I don’t know who I felt bad for the more though, the guy who apparently thought having money meant he got to keep his girlfriend, or the girlfriend, who I had considered for the longest time to be my friend; who had consulted me before saying yes to him, no, not for my permission, for my opinion. Who had sat in a car with me at 10 p.m. crying because she was scared of what the future held, because she wanted to make her father proud, because…. sigh… whether to feel bad FOR her, because, that was what he thought OF her; That what made him a better choice than every other guy in her books was his money. I mean, how dare him right? *pause* How dare him…. right????

It didn’t matter that this boy with his little video of wine bottles and nice furniture somehow assumed I was worse off, no, what mattered still was you. I worried for you. Why am I like this?

This gentleman with the video had before this logged into her snapchat account (not the first time) and gotten into a conversation with me; a funny conversation, in which he attempted to solicit some response which would indicate I had an ulterior interest in his girlfriend (not the first time). I had played along the first he did it, the second time, the third time even, but this time, I’d just about had enough. So, I told him to stop going through her phone – He kept at pretending. I told him how absolutely ludicrous what he was doing was – he kept at pretending. I got mad, told him to go to bed and fell asleep myself. Why did I not just shut up? Why did I not play along? Because I worried for my “friend”. Am I not just the nicest person. SMH.

To be in a relationship where your boyfriend steals your phone/logs into your account at dawn and posts pictures of himself with love eyed emojis, and has conversations with random people, pretending to be you. I did not understand, honestly, it creeped me the fuck out. So, I spoke up, and I slept, and I woke up, and my “friend” had sent me a lengthy message, that she heard I had insulted her, that she heard I had been blocked on her snapchat, and that she thought it was better kept that way. God did that hurt. Talk about “your help” being thrown right back in your face. The fact that she had found no problem with him doing this even, that at the center of her bereavement was me having allegedly insulted her. Something I had never, and still have never done before. I explained, I sent screenshots of the conversation, but my “friend” gave one-off replies, she was mad at me. ME!!!??

I wouldn’t hear from her again, till I received a message, clearly from her boyfriend, pretending to be her…. oh yes, again, telling me to stay away…again. I was with my own babescartel, I was happy, I replied with a “if that’s what you want, okay” Honestly, I was tired (revisit Digression for the proper depth of my tiredness). For some reason, this was not enough though. “She” called, I hung up, she called again, I hung up, all this time I held the assumption (being the fool that I am), that it was her, my friend, calling to apologize and to tell me what the hell was going on, then I received a message, this time with the clear indication that it was from Mr. Boyfriend himself, telling me to again, “fucking stay away”. He called me a coward, had some choice words for me, this weirdo who pretends he is a girl for the sexual kick or whatever, I laughed and said okay. You had to admire his need of a competitor* (read in a French accent).

Then Ama fell asleep and there was this…. silence, I think it was about then the puzzle pieces began to fit together. Right in the middle though, of course, it was broken by a notification on my Instagram from this strange, strange human being again. I lost my shit, sent a message to my “friend” telling both she and her strange little boyfriend to stay away from me, and that if he ever threatened me again, I would involve the police. This is how dark shit was getting. This guy was obviously not okay in the head. I checked my Instagram then and… refer to first paragraph.

I am so disappointed on so many levels, in you my “friend”. I accepted a long time ago that no human being really ever is perfect. I know you, more than I know a lot of people even, more than you’d ever care to admit to yourself, I know you. That you are selfish, you are a liar, indecisive, overly dependent on men and relationships (for self-valuation, happiness, and self-gratification), you cling on to attention like Tarzan on monkey bars, I know that you are obsessed with the notion of being married, possibly to a rich man and being a boss lady, whatever the fuck that means. I know your’e more obsessed than you’d care to admit, with piercings and tattoos, and heavy makeup, so basically, it really is not difficult, figuring out the the type of “boss lady” you want to be one day. Even though it seems you try to run from it so much, ducking from the perceptions it brings, while at the same time looking for validation, that it is okay to do this and that and you shouldn’t care what people say. I gave you that, didn’t I? No it wasn’t forced, it wasn’t pretense. Like I said before, I accepted a long time ago that nobody really ever is perfect, and judgmental people? They are the worst king of human. So know that, I did not judge you. Even though I was absolutely not interested in any of that (as a matter of taste 🙂 ) The reason why we did not work out when we were together, why our fling afterwards did not work out, that as much as I care about you as my friend, I will never ever “love” you – I dislike the piercing, I dislike tattoos, gothic makeup…. and more so, I hate, hate, hate, (and I have told you this before), liars. I saw beyond that though… I thought I did. I believed in those brief moments, when you actually were an intelligent, driven person; driven to succeed on your own terms.

After that post though, after “you cannot match up”, even that is lost now, the false mirror broke friend, and what I see so clearly now, it breaks my heart.

Puzzle Pieces

I have added two and two, and maybe I am wrong, but the facts point you are not who I thought you were. I knew your ex, the one whose calls you wouldn’t answer that one time. I saw the pictures of him on top of cars, inside air planes, showing off his gold watches, all with a particular photo edit that accentuates the color in everything, yes, the same ones those “swag, swag senior high school boys” on Facebook use. I noticed it and I wondered what you saw in him, what you saw in the horrible English, the constant use of the word swag, the interesting choice of clothing – baggy shirts and skinny jeans, and backpacks? I wondered why you would be with someone like that. Then this one came along, and I swear I thought it was the same person. I realized, friend, because there comes a time in a man’s life when he just has to stop being naive, that maybe I had no right asking what you saw in those people. It dawned on me, that all this while, it was what I saw in you that was flawed. I had been overestimating the kind of person you really were/ are/ I don’t even know. Holding on to what I wanted you to be, intelligent and driven, and deliberately ignoring the signs that pointed to who you actually were. Today, I remembered how for the longest time, everyone I ever introduced you to had something negative to say, why my boss who had never met you even, said you were an opportunist and told me to stay clear of you, why my friend looked you over once and asked what I was doing with you, why Adwoa didn’t want me talking to you, or you, to her. It all suddenly made sense, and it hurt. For me and you, but more for you, because who am I kidding, will I/ can I ever stop worrying. Can I/ will I ever truly remove the “you” that I somehow created?

Maybe I want you to be more than a boss lady…. then again maybe all this while what you have been fantasizing of for yourself is being a boss somethingelse. I saw the intelligent and driven person in you and I clung to that, accentuating it with every conversation, with every right choice you made, with every time you spoke about school, and class, and grades. Now, I am not so sure anymore. I cannot keep thinking you deserve better when clearly, I do not fully understand what you really are even. It seems to me, that all this while, it is an overly glorified notion of you that I have had these conversations with. You did not deserve those evenings, those conversations, my tears or yours. You are what you are my “friend”, whatever it is that you really are, and it is high time, I let you go be you.
Bye-bye.

A Side Note:
I have never been one for violence. I am as they say, an emotional little boy. I have never been interested in you outside of friendship, or lust, in those moments that we had once in a free spirited way. As it stands, I am mad; That I stopped talking to you, but you sent that message on snapchat, telling me you were sorry, that it was all okay now, and you had explained to Mr. Boyfriend how much our friendship meant to you and whatnot; that I fell for that bull. I am mad, that somehow, you have convinced your weird compatriot, I have a semblance of interest in you when you know, for a fact that I do not. I am mad, that you have somehow managed to fit me in a love triangle I have no business being a part of, or even care to be a part of. I am mad, because your stupid boyfriend, thought me the kind of person to engage in a battle of wits and ….. wealth? with, and over a female, over YOU! You have devalued me, when maybe I was the one who should have, you, from the very beginning. Do not ever my “friend” look to me ever again. You are nothing, you, as I knew you, never existed. Both of you, do not exist.

Leave me alone, before I call the police. LOL.

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